This is a “vault” post. These are events that I made videos for but didn’t really make write ups for. So these write ups will not be as detailed as my recent events.
Heading home from Biltmore
As Biltmore wrapped up and we travelled home, I really began to struggle mentally. I am a person who likes to build and grow. When I get into something, very seldom do I half ass it. More often than not, I’m not pulling punches and giving it my all. I’m going for progression, growth, and seeing how high I can climb. I’m not satisfied with stagnation.
I am two, to two and a half years in endurance now. Roach and I went from pasture puffs barely able to complete a 5 mile trail ride without feeling like dying (both of us) and the idea of 25 sounding incomprehensible, to doing back to back LDs with relative ease. This last year with 75 miles over three days at FITS and 55 miles in the mountains at Biltmore would be unimaginable to me on that first trail ride with Angel and Jessie.
From the beginning, I knew Angel thought that 50 miles was the highest she would compete in. She told me that. Any higher, to her, sounds miserable. Unfortunately, after various occurrences at Biltmore and FITS, Angel doesn’t think that Jessie will ever be a 50 mile horse.
To sum it up: Biltmore was our last endurance hurrah for the Roach-Jessie duo.
We all start somewhere
Our first off property trail ride with Angel. We were dying. It was five miles.
Just for fun, here are some photos of our early days together
Mental Health, a real deal
Now, at the start of the summer, instead of a bright sunny future, all I could see was all my hardwork coming to naught. I do not have a truck. I do not have a trailer. I have no way to get to rides.
I’ll be up front and honest because I want to help people. I struggle with my mental health. I struggle with anxiety and depression. I’m medicated for it and it’s been life changing. However, it’s not a cure-all. My medication definitely allows me to enjoy life. I struggled to enjoy life before. It was a battle to do anything. But it’s not a cure-all, it just isn’t. We weren’t meant to be happy all the time, just like the sun isn’t meant to shine all the time.
My new primary issue with my mental health is due to my natural inability to cope with depression and anxiety. I also don’t have a good amount of tools when I get in a funk. My old default mode was paralysis and hiding in my room. My medication has allowed me to see that it is an unhealthy coping mechanism. It breaks through the fog enough for me to think more rationally. But I have no practice in thinking about the “what next.”
“If He can hold the world He can hold this moment, Not a field nor flower escapes His notice, Even the Sparrows knows He holds tomorrow” – Jason Grey, Sparrows
For several weeks I struggled with this. I barely rode due to depression and heat.
Then a revelation dawned on me and I felt like an idiot. God did not give me this passion and drive for no reason. No matter how hard my life with horses has gotten, how I didn’t know how to pay for the next lesson, where the next horse would be, how to reestablish myself in the industry in a new state with zero connections, God has always come through. He has always presented me with a door, I just had to be ready when that door showed up.
He is good and He is faithful in the great matters and the small. I just needed to be ready when the next opportunity arises.
It took me from May to July to get this through my head. So often we forget that we’re not the ones actually in charge and how freeing it is to remember that and rest in it.
